Divorced MenArlene Vasquez, Certified Matchmaker and Dating Coach, Founder, AVConnexions
January 31, 2015

Divorced men and women find it hard adjusting to present times. Especially those who had gotten married in their late 20’s or early 30’s.  They come out of a long relationship with a mindset that is not consistent with the reality of their lives today. They are still thinking that they are the same person they were when they got married. And that in itself will keep them single!

Let’s look at just a few of the pitfalls and realistic things we need to acknowledge about ourselves before we can reach success in finding ‘the one.’

  1. Are you as attractive as you think you are? Most people are confused about what is considered average. On a scale from 1 to 10, average would be a 5 and many fall into the 2 to 3 category. This inflated perception of oneself is actually called “self-enhancement.” Researchers have shown that people overestimate themselves but are incredibly accurate when describing others. You may have been a hottie when you were in your 20s but time has passed and you need to take a good look in the mirror and give yourself a true assessment. The issue when it comes to dating is if you think you’re a 7 when you’re actually a 3 and you want to date a 7 that may keep you single longer.  Conversely, women who are seeking lifelong partners, should choose someone who is a level below her looks, because research shows that couples in which the wife is better looking than the husband tend to be more supportive and positive than other match-ups.
  1. Are you entitled to the pick of the litter? Okay you’re not looking for the most gorgeous and perfect puppy but you’re looking for the most gorgeous and perfect man or women. Great! But what do you bring to the table? Are you holding out for someone that is just so perfect that no one will ever meet your standards? And yet, do you have what that person wants? Here’s an example, there are men in their 50s who want to date women in their childbearing years, yet those same men do not want to have children. Or he may think he’s so fabulous and god’s gift, but he is more than likely only fabulous to a woman his own age. A younger, gorgeous, smart woman may not feel the same about him. Believe it or not, women suffer from the same affliction. If you’re in your 50s+ holding out for a tall, dark, handsome and wealthy man in his late 40s to 50s. Guess what… you may need to consider someone shorter, older, maybe he’s more supportive than wealthy, attractive is a relative term, because the majority of men in their 40s and 50s are probably not looking for you. If you have realistic standards then you’re likely to meet someone that is right for you.
  1. Are you waiting for someone to knock on your door? The closest thing to someone knocking on your door, for you to go on a date, is online dating and yet so many people say they won’t do it because, ‘their friend told them how horrible it is.’ Well everyone’s experiences are different and if you follow the formula for successful online profiles and safe dating, coupled with a good attitude then you’re more likely to have success. Online dating only solves 20% (1 out of 5 couples start with online dating) of what you should be doing. You need other ways to put yourself out there. Let your friends set you up. Go to events, meet-ups, take on a new hobby, or use social media including Facebook and LinkedIn. Let everyone know you’re single and what type of person you want to meet.
  1. Are you a bad dater? Let’s face it, if you haven’t dated since high school or college and now find yourself single, it’s not a surprise that you don’t know a lot about the art of dating. No matter how you meet, there is always a first date and you need to do the dance and do it right in order to connect with someone. By the same token, if you expect to have an instant spark or fireworks on a first date and won’t go on second date with someone because you didn’t get those feelings, then you’ll probably be single for a long time. Studies have been done that show couples that were not initially attracted when they first met, who are still married for many years, so don’t be afraid to give someone another shot.
  1. Are you an over communicator? So you get through the first date and that person wants to see you again. This doesn’t mean you’re in a relationship, it means you’re getting to know each other but don’t be too overly eager. What do I mean? Some think they need to text someone 5 to 10 times a day. This is not appropriate, particularly when people have so much coming at them through email, text, social media, online dating, etc. Save the texting for logistics and do the communicating face to face; and whatever you do don’t get pissed off because someone is not texting you back immediately; people have jobs, kids and things to do. Just because someone is not constantly reaching out or responding quickly to your texts, does not mean they’re not interested.
  1. Are you hanging onto Mr/s Right now? Staying in a relationship with someone you know is not right for you because you don’t want to be alone will keep you from finding Mr/s Right! So many times I see divorced ‘relationship people’ jump into a relationship with someone just because they don’t want to be alone and because they are more interested in a relationship than being happy in one. It’s not fair to you or the other person. Stop wasting time because ultimately you’ll end it and will have kept yourself from finding the one.

There are so many reasons why people stay chronically single after divorce. What’s at the heart of the issue is being honest with yourself and taking action that is based on realistic goals. If you hit a roadblock along the way and need guidance in order to achieve your relationship goals hire a professional. There are relationship therapists, dating coaches and matchmakers that can help you. Do the work to get to know yourself so that you’ll know what is right for you and when you meet ‘the one’ you’ll recognize him/her!